love can be affirming…take it the way you get and don't really have expectations

2012,2013 were pretty hard years in my life. I was sick (but got well), was extremely alone and found Jesus one more time and went through some form of stagnation in my life. It was like a brick wall had fallen over me and was sitting in my path.

At first I couldn't deal with the major turn of events. Natural emotions like panic, fear, anger, loss and grief set in for me. It was GRUESOME! I went into feeling sulky and emotional and couldn't function like I used to. I lost a lot of drive and ambition that I believe defined who I was and who I have always been. Yes and the big one even happened. I lost my identity - everything that I was was gone. I was left with the stark reality of my very being.

I stayed up at night imagining how my life would end…how sad my parents will be. I imagined my mother crying for years…never being happy again. During these times some people I had imagined would be there for me weren't. I became resentful and alone.

When things started getting better health-wise, I decided to get my life together. I was gonna take my exams, do well and become the swankiest doctor NY had ever seen. But that in itself was a BIG hurdle for me to jump. It was so much that I began to doubt myself, my will and my need to make this happen.  After listening to the word of God, letting it sit in my spirit and just soaking all of my energies into finding what God had for me it finally happened.

I got my mojo back- i mean spiritually of course! It was liberating and then BAM something came back again.
I was feeling like the lonely insecure child I grew up as.  The constant thoughts of people taking advantage, being disrespectful, crossing boundaries.what is a girl to do?? how do you restore order, respect, distance and privacy.

Nowadays I don't feel ridiculously isolated and today I had a feeling of love. I don't know quite what to make of it because it seemed a little unexpected. Almost as a pleasant surprise. I quickly began to suspect it. Was it real and lasting …..was it to feed some form of ego. It was pretty warm and fussy that initial feeling but this post is really about how love can sometimes mean differently for people. Every one has a way of dishing it out. Think of it as their signature modus operandi.